Journal Entry: Sun Sep 11, 2016, 11:16 PM
My youngest brother killed himself a year ago today. 12/09/2016. I'm ahead of The US by the way, I'm an Aussie. So - 12/09/2015 - was the day I died inside as well.
This year as been nothing but hell, I admit I posted an artist beware to quickly this year before giving that artist enough time to truly respond. Yet I still had rights to post it after the amount of emails informing me of days they would finally give me the final postage cost. Then all I had to do was pay that final postage cost and get the tracking number. Tracking number has finally been given, I'm just now waiting on it to be fully shipped. The amount of almost hate mail I have gotten for posting the beware to soon is beyond ridicules, when I have many times apologized for that. I'm still trying to fix it as best I can now. Yet I'm the one that spend all that money on a possibly I would get it. Keep in mind this is the internet, it's a never given factor, and that a person the other end can state til they are blue in the face that the buyer will differently get the item/items they paid for; but also picture someone that's been cheated 4 times on art promised I never got, and 2 items that never got made, and tell me then if you to would not suspect a possibility of it happening again, and jumped the gun like I did, anyone else would also do that same being treated like that; like I have. So do forgive the fact I have lost alot of trust in peoples promises. I spend more then I should have, not saying it's not worth it as is totally is.
But here comes the next part, when you live in a some what abusive house, partner some what yelling every damn day, because something doesn't go right, my son doesn't behave it's pretty clear now my son has issues, he just doesn't stop, so I probably have a child with ADD. My father yelling at my child because my son won't stop, yet my father has no damn rights, yet I'm to damn nice and have no where else to go right now, I also can not just tell my dad to fuck off, as much as I kinda want too. Not sure if I'll ever save enough to move, but I truly need too. Coping with really bad back pain dayly, some days I can't even get out of bed it gets that bad, to the point my partner those days has to help me go to the bathroom, I like to state I'm not in a wheelchair I shouldn't need that help, but my back is that bad those days, it's as if I am in a wheelchair. I have to cope through that stress dayly. The fact I lost my brother dayly, My partner yelling dayly, my father butting in dayly, Back pain dayly and finally the fact I am on medication dayly so I do not also kill myself, it also only makes me sleepy.
I try and be nice as I can all the time to everyone, even people I do not know, I'm like Robin Williams I give a fucken damn, I make people happy, yet inside me I just want to die, and feel as if I am. I get treated like complete thrush dayly, I try everything I can to go on, for at least my sons sake. Because if I can show I can go on, then he will see he can too. Fighting this shit is the hardest thing to do, I deep down do not want to give up either. I've been a fighter for years.
(UPDATE: We are degassing things now, so it should be ok now.)
This is why I hardly come on DA anymore, I was done pretty much with this site a year ago, I should have just quit then like I was going to. I get better treatment from FA. And that's kinda impressive since some furries are drama queens, I'm sorry but at least half the fandom is. But then any fandom is really anyway, no matter where anyone goes there is alwas drama, it never ends, it never will. I'm not trying to make any, I know it seems that way. Just after all the shit I'm facing right now, I just need to let it out, I bottle it in til I explode and someone gets hurt. I'll delete this after of course, but I'm just not coping today, just nope, nope nope... This is also why I never tell anyone about myself, because it only hurts. I hate where I am and I hate having to tell myself just another day you'll be ok, when I know I'm anything from OK!